Getting back to my sadder self?

Well, things are changing. I am getting back to my sadder self. Everything seems colorless now, for some moments.

Nothing has changed, nothing. May be I am just sad that it's all gonna end anyways. However happy I might get,  a day will come when it will all end.

And I would be all alone again.

Words worth their Salt.

पंद्रह का पहाडा...
पन्द्रा एका पन्द्रा
पन्द्रा दूनी तीस
तियो पैंतालिस
चौके साठ
दाम  पचहत्तर
छक्का नब्बे
सते पछोत्तल
अट्ठे बीसा
नवे पैंतीसा
पन्द्रा दहा डेढ़ सौ...

-- These were the unforgettable words of wisdom which my grandma made me remember when I was new to the world of numbers, and literacy as a whole for that matter.
Decades have passed.
But the words still hold true, and still help me solve the petty mathematical solutions of my life.
Thanks, Grandma.

A Realization.

We all are pathetically so same...

Confused Insecure Minds with corporal limitations. 
The only variable being luck.

A Fantasy.

I strain my eyes again. Its not hard to ignore one Shahrukh Khan on the big screen, though in the background, when the foreground is shaded with the silhouette of her face and her shoulders, which quite convincingly, snug inside my arms. The raw emotions let loose, I think about kissing her on the lips. But that seems cliched. How about the soft temple, just below her earlobes?
No. Its a bad thing to do. Evil tries to overtake me. I feel the rhetoric hormones pushing my nerves hard, but I refrain.
The movie is progressing. Shahrukh is looking up in the sky full of promising clouds, helplessly.
I give a damn. Let's concentrate on her. I can feel the warmth of her pulse getting conducted to myself through the skin. Shit. Why am I thinking about the concepts of heat transfer? May be last semester the course on air conditioning was successful in taking its toll. I undo some thoughts. Heartbeats were tangible feelings. More than sheer transfer of heat by conduction through the skin.
Shahrukh Khan is crying now. I get irritated. Closed my eyes, feeling the immoral proximity between us two. Like the proximity between a dining hall and a pantry room.

What the hell! Architecture! It should have been the last thing to crop in my mind at this point of time. But like every other 'last' thing, it hits me first.

No, concentrate. My other hand can feel her other arm. Soft, warm skin. It feels pious. And devilish, at the same time. Still contemplating whether to kiss her or not, I realise that I am drifting towards my previous experiences of girls and my expectations from them.

Having a light hearted conversation, a small dinner, and a slow walk on the street before I doze off in my bed.

Watching a movie together and eating out at some place afterwards.

Holding a hand and feeling happy about it.

Kissing someone?

Is it that big a deal? I can see that Kajol has joined Shahrukh Khan in crying over their dead son. As if it made any difference.

I think about the morality issue again. Is it bad to show somebody that you care for her? Should I be answerable to the society for every single activity that I do? Is it that necessary to follow the ethical norms of the people around us?
Is kissing a girl really a bad thing to do?

Whattheheck. I turn towards her face. Barely inches away. Trying to find some connection between Shahrukh's overacting and Kajol's underacting. Too calm to panic if I try kissing her. The fragrance of her hair overtakes me. I inch closer towards her. She's still looking forward. I still inching closer.

Should I? or should I not? Good, or Bad? Right, or wrong?
.
She turns.
.
.
.

(No, neither does the alarm beep, nor does my dream shatter off the slumber. For a change.)

Shahrukh Khan smiles at the audience. I smile back and get off the soft seat with her. Have to drop her off to the metro station.

Alec.
Feb 16 2010.

Go Arbit.

Yes. You heard it right. Forget the morals, forget the rules they say you have to follow, forget the expectations they have on you, forget the expectations you have on them, forget every plan you ever made.

Go arbit.

And embrace the newer consequences, newer meetings, newer encounters, newer endeavors, newer people, newer constraints, newer life.

Sometimes your own morals start stinking. Sometimes your own thoughts get putrefied. Sometimes you are actually wrong. Sometimes you need to surprise your own old rusted cranky brains.

Go arbit. Take my word for it. It works.

Reference for my future years.

Okay. This post is a timeline peg. A milestone that I would like to refer back some 20 years or something from now, when I will be all engrossed in the never ending web of my own life's complexities, office deadlines, relationship issues, family problems, and of course, general mid life crisis anxiety.

After having a 12 hour sleep which was very comforting, continuous and peaceful without the aid of a slightest drop of alcohol (or any catalyst, for tht matter, not even exams), I woke up to realise that my 4 day long weekend had just begun. Awesome.

The rays of sun shone bright on my light blue bed sheet by 12 noon, and created an aura of pleasure in the lazily warm afternoon in the pre-winter time of the year. I lied lazily on the bed and browsed through the editorials of the Hindu with the melody 'Chand si mehbooba ho meri kab...' streaming loosely out my laptop. Awesome.

I reflected on the issues that have been boggling me since the last few days, including my relationship with a girl, and found that I was wrong, having succumbed to peer pressure. I took a sigh of relaxation. I always become relaxed when I find tht a problem occurred due to me being wrong. I can blame it all on myself then, and be done with it. Its more difficult to live happily when you know that a problem occurred even though you were right in approaching that. And then I discovered the prospect of laying my mattress in the sunshine outside for some time so that it could do away wid the moist smell tht was irritating me since I came back from home after the Puja holidays. After about 2 hours, when I lied back on the warm sunwashed mattress, it felt soooooo good.
Awesome.

Morale of the story - Before this point in the timeline, there have been moments when I actually thought that my life would never be as happy again. But the presence of this pleasant day helps me confirm that whatever happens, there will always be a better, pleasing, warm sunny day waiting for me after every catastrophe. This reminds me of Kailash Kher, btw.

And yes, this memory peg would also help me remember my spiritually luxurious life out here in iit.

Alok.

The new theory about relations.

I have reached the verge of confirming a new theory.

Either
ALL guys are infatuation prone perverts.

Or
ALL girls believe that ALL guys are infatuation prone perverts.

This theory is simple, but I am awed by its all inclusiveness.