Get the fuck outta my life, will you ???

I hate you.
Why don't you understand this? Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to learn how to hate you? You can't imagine how it feels to switch over from love to hatred.

But i can. For, i have experienced it. Its not easy, and each time i see you, this battle of love and hatred tears me apart.

Do you like to see me getting tormented? Do you get thrills by watching me loose my normal senses when i see you? If not, then why do you keep appearing before me everyday, and making my life all the more difficult? Can't you leave me alone? With my friends, my assignments,myself ???

Is it necessary for you to put me in a dilemma of my response towards you? I don't miss you anymore in the classes, nor do i feel lonely when not with you. Then why do u make me feel my loneliness, by standing in front of me, and talking to other ppl?

They say, the antonym of love is not hatred, but indifference. Rightly said. But very wrongly placed. Being indifferent to a person who was once very special to you is like an ultimate torchure. Why don't you take pity on me and leave me alone ???

It is my humble request to you. I am not over you yet, and am constantly trying to do so.
Seeking help for that was never the objective of this post, but at least don't make things difficult for me, Please ...

After all, i am only human,
and you used to be my first love.

Can't you understand?

Argh, Whom am i talking to....

Who Says Spring is best? I go for Winter.

Hmmmm, Winter has arrived. And guess how i noticed it in Kgp campus.... I came out of my economics class of 7:30am (which, by the way, i had been bunking since a long time!!).As i walking on the road that led to the archi dep., i felt very comfortable and kinda happy.I looked around for reasons of my sudden pleasure, and only then i noticed that it was the warm sunlight that was so much pleasing to my body and my soul...

Winter has always been my favourite time of the year. A windy, chilly night with a cup of coffee,and a friend to talk with.. that's what it takes to intoxicate me.. who needs alcohols??? On any given winter evening, with the leaves of the trees falling as if giving company to the breeze, and the people sporting warm clothes and shivering for that quantum of heat, i normally step out on empty streets. All this coldness and calmness excites my senses of perception pretty much.

Winter makes me nostalgic, too. It reminds me of my childhood, when we used to play cricket on the roof top in winter evenings....with a 5 rupee plastic ball. Each time anyone of us struck the ball hard, no one dared to stop it, for it hurts hard when its winter.

And then, i get reminded of the school days,when we used to go to the schools, sporting blazers and sweaters... I loved the colour of the blazer of my crush. It was different from other girls of my class... May be that showed that she was different from others, and well, i love ppl who are not of the common lot.
Winter reminds me of my mom, with her hands busy in knitting sweaters for me. (personally, i have never liked a sweater, but have worn it just to appreciate how much my mom cared for me.)

Winter reminds me of the solitude of jee preparations... when i used to study whole day,all alone, just to reach where now i am.(You see, i am not a born talent like those stereotype nerds and geeks, and have to work hard for achieving anything.)It reminds me of all the efforts i made, all the midnight oil i burnt, and all the parties i missed for one single reason, IIT.

And none the less, Winter is an integral part of my dream sequence with my date...A winter evening, with we walking on an empty road, hand in hand, i wearing a thin shirt and jeans, and she wearing my jacket over her clothes, and we talking about our relationship and understandings, and well, love.

Hmmm, yet another winter has arrived. And I have begun to get intoxicated. This time, there would be no roof top cricket, no mom-made sweaters, no crushes with school blazers, no jee preparations... but yes, i am looking forward for newer experiences of life. I am looking forward for a new winter, with all its warm promises. It may be that i am expecting much. But thats me, anyways.. expecting too much from everything, and
everyone.
I only wish that i may not get hurt sentimentally this winter.
Coz' it hurts hard, when its winter.


Alec.

The lonely Nescafe Guy of Azad.

I can't work on computer for long. Most of us can't. When the eyes start burning and the back goes stiff, some of us sit back and listen to songs, some chat with room partners, while some really tough 'machomen' continue with what they were doing. I, having the privilege of living on the second floor of Azad with a wide corridor in front of the door, tend to walk outside of my room. The plush green trees outside and the soothing breeze give a kind of unique freshness, with a tinge of divinity, i must say. But then, i look down, and at a little distance ahead, i see a man sitting close to a pathetically small cubicle, with 'NESCAFE' written in bold fonts, accompanied by a girl's picture sipping hot coffee...

I look at the person carefully. Not a child, not an old baba either. A 40 something guy he is. Always sitting on the same chair, sometimes inside the cubicle, sometimes outside. He also sees me back. But his eyes seem kinda blank to me. Students come in groups, have their coffee, talk about their regular mundane life, the assignments, the hall tempo, the GC fights, the absence of 'quality' girls in KGP, while criticizing their maggu room partners, the mindless profs., and the sucking insti as a whole. He listens to them with intent. Sometimes smiles, too. But i can see that the sincerity of a smile is not there on his face. The chatters go back, and so does his smile. What remains there is his solitude, and the girl sipping coffee on the top of that nescafe thing.

Every night, i can see him sitting on his chair, all alone till 2 am. And hell, he doesn't even yawn!

Sometimes he seems kind of a saint to me, who has risen above all the worldly stuff like insti gossips, timepass bhaats, GPLs, Bhajans, Orkut, Iron Maiden, Pink Floyd, Counter strike, Basketball, C.G. load, Poltu, Bandis and this IIT KGP as a whole...

Like a small island in a big ocean. All engulfed in himself. Analysing and catalysing his own soul. Has he ever had a cup of coffee for himself? I doubt.

• I appreciate his soulful solitude.

• I pity his tasteless days (and a large chunk of nights).

and,

• I fear his extreme loneliness.

Imagine this. You are sitting in the middle of a buzzing crowd of people, all laughing and chatting and dancing to alien tunes, while the only thing you can do is to sit back and see them. Its like watching a boring movie again and again, without the option of fast forwarding, pausing or changing to a different one.

Had I been in place of him, i would have eaten all the stuff myself, and walked away, for i can't bear this type of gradually paralyzing, choking and brain cuffing kind of loneliness.

Someday or the other, i m really gonna go for a coffee, and have a hearty chat with that guy. I want to know what worldly adhesive is bonding him to this kind of life. I really do.

Blogging Vs Writing a page of Diary

Yes, I always wanted to write something on this. People have always asked me why i never maintain a blog. And those who know the fact that i am in the habit of Diary entrying on a daily basis, ask this with even a greater degree of gravity. So, this blog (Ironically !!) is my answer to all of them. The first difference being the difference in the train of thoughts that comes in one's mind, while writing a blog as compared to those while writing a diary entry. Its like u always have to be politically correct. You have to write under the pressure of being read, and that makes you use the backspace key again and again. Now thats neither free writing, nor free expression, is it ??

And then, You can't write any personal comments on people and characters of your life. You can't write about the people you hate, the people you loathe, the people you envy, and stuff like that. Yes, some of you might think that you can, but i wanna say only one thing,

"Try that, and don't tell me afterwards that i hadn't warned. "

The society is not as flat as the 17" Samsung LCD screen on which i am writing these words, and people tend to misinterpret words easily. So, the only things you are left with to write upon are censored reviews of everyday thoughts, feelings on what's happening round the globe, and silver memories of the golden old days.....

But its not like that in case of writing a diary entry. You take a pen ,ur diary, and forget what the world thinks about you or what it expects out of you. In fact, i have best analyzed myself while writing the diary entries, and in a way, it has helped me to understand myself... The diary entries are pretty lively ones, with your friends, your crushes, and your uncensored thoughts on whatever is going on in your life. I write what i like, and what i don't like and not bcoz' i want to make other ppl feel that i like or dislike them, but to tell myself about my tastes....

Writing a page of diary is like standing in front of a mirror, and talking to urself, widout the fear of being overheard coz' the only potential reader is your roomie, who already knows much about you. No Intensional spelling mistakes in the F-word ( btw, Using an acronym is yet another form of censorship !!), no use of the characters like * or # or $ in the words at strategic points, no WTF's......... Every thing is as straight as it can be.

Yes, blogging has got its own advantage. It gives you readers for your writings. It provides you a platform to show people that you can write, and you can write well, but i don't think it makes any difference because they don't get the actual share of what you think about them and the world, but a censored version of it. Infact I myself started to maintain a blog because many people didn't think i could write on issues that surround me. WTF !!!

Happy after such a long time.

Life has been pretty much harsh on me these days, especially since the last few months. Not talking with my crush was way better than having forced to ignore her, which, unfortunately, i'm onto these days...... And i know its all my mistake. She was never mine, nor would she be in future, but something inside me still remains attracted to her, though her public declaration of not liking me anymore has given me a lot of pain and anger...

Anyways, as i said, i m happy after a long long time. Reasons ? I went to the swimming pool today. Yes, i know, so dumb of me to be happy for such a lil reason. But hey, this was the first time i ever put myself inside a swimming pool (leave aside the tales of rivers or ponds, but experiences are in dearth there too ! ) The blue base of the Swimming Pool shone bright beneath the clear water, and i, in my black trunks, pink swim-goggles and red rubber cap ( Imagine how trendy i wud have been looking !!),was right there in the middle, ready to teach myself how to swim. Had it not been Praddy, i would definitely have passed my entire slot standing in water. But he was over-enthusiastic to teach me the basic moves.
The white flood lights shone on my back, while i struggled hard kicking back the water, being the only person sporting the pink goggles in the entire pool. Swimming may be fun, but learning how to swim is definitely not. You get easily exhausted by kicking back the water, and its kind of frustrating to see other people swim past you while you just practising how to keep your body afloat in the water or how to exhale in water ( no inhale in water, buddy, else be ready to gulp enough water to choke yourself out !!).

But all this exercising and practising was worth it, and i started sort of loving to keep my head inside water and kick hard. Each time i started feeling breathless, i thought of her and the last few days...... how she told she didn't want to be wid me anymore, and how i sent her two offensive-words packed e-mails, saying that i didn't care for her anymore. This whole thing gave me a kind of frustration, and i started to kick the water even more, like wanting to come out of the circumstances i was coping with.....
And then, when i raised my head outside the water, and removed my googles, I saw heavy rains, pouring more water in the already overflowing water pool. Now tht was what i call a scene of a lifetime. The large Swimming pool, with clear water shining over the light blue floor, the luminence throwing mast lights, the heavy rains trying to wet what was already wet, and the dark, thunderous clouds, on the background of the strangely silent, pitch black sky.

They say, Rome was not built in a day, and similarily, swimming can't be learnt in a single day (or evening, rather). Still, praddy says i would be learning how to swim in less than a week. Let's hope so.By the way, one thing is clear, its much fun ,and a different experience altogether.

Why am i happy? Coz' today i got a reason to live again. Since the last few days, i was carrying on my mundane IIT life, and the relationship disaster was eating my head up. Getting the aim to learn swimming has come as a change, and would surely help to get back my lost efficiency and confidence. I am planning to learn guitar, too, but it would be rather early to say anything about that plan right now.

All in all, i am literally doing many things to get myself engaged in something or the other, for i know i think a lot, and thinking all day with no work at hand is like counting the days remaining in your life, and regretting of having wasted it all. I dread an unemployed myself, i really do !!