An Insight.

Just realized that Calvin and Hobbes, still, is sheer awesomeness!

The day my feelings died.

I took my small wooden boat and reached to the shore. Why does life have to be this complicated? Why should I have to think this much before taking any action. The sea seemed very violent from the shore itself. But more violent was my soul today. I saw lightening in the night sky and knew that the weather was lagging behind my soul, for inside, it was raining already...

I untied the boat from the hook. How easy it is to untie a physical object. If only we could untie our feelings so easily... The wind was blowing hard. The tattered sail started to acknowledge the storm. I wanted to go as far from the land as possible. My land, of course was in the sea tonight.

Sea is such a beautiful thing in night. The curvy waves reminded me of her. The moon that reflected on her forehead once was still there; only this time it was on the entire sea. The small waves made a million of moons in themselves, and I saw the sea full of silver. How could gold have such power that it could corrode our souls? May be that's the reason why my father had once said... "Gold, though itself can not be corroded, but nevertheless, has a corrosive character..."

Sea, when calm; and sea when violent: they are two things. Vastly different. Tonight I could hear it roaring in my ears. Could the sea hear my heart's roar tonight? Why was I getting a feeling that the thunderstorm was nothing but the echo of my restlessness? Somehow this untamed sea seemed to have more fidelity. Than the untamed her. I felt something cold on my back. And then my forehead. I looked up. Millions of small gray dots of chilled waterdrops were coming towards me. As if they wanted to tell me that I was not alone. I kept looking up. They welcomed me, and I embraced them, by allowing them the grace of reaching through my body, into my soul. The way I had once allowed her to do the same.

The boat kept on moving towards the sea. Some kind of low pressure had developed somewhere in the middle and the air from all the surrounding areas was being sucked into it, taking with itself my small boat. I could have fought the winds that day. But for whom?

Now I could hear the storm roaring before me. The restless waves, the wind and the rain finally had reached my level of stir. The time had come.

I eyed the sea one last time. My real lover.
The sky one last time. My real creator.
The land one last time. My real devastator.

All I had wanted ever was to love her. What did I get in return? Nonreciprocating feelings. I wanted to give her every happiness of my life, only to find out that every small happiness of mine fell a mile short for even qualifying as a smile for her. I wanted to see her smile, but longings didn't have the gold enough to deserve those.
The world, as it seemed, had no place for feelings.

But feelings were all I had. And if the world didn't need feelings, how was I to survive here?

And then, it all happened so slowly, as if I allowed it to happen my way. One last time. The wind, slowly tore apart the sail. The boat jerked heavily and turned sideways. The lustful sea water reached for my body. Hungry. I took a deep breath. I knew this was going to be my last one. I eyed the sea. Beautiful, blue, moonlit sea. Then darkness surrounded me. The ears received strange noises. The mind began to think slow. Slower... The limbs were not jerking anyways. Now they stopped trembling.

My violent storm had calmed.
Outside the storm was still at its prime. It had lagged behind my soul this time too.

Alok K.
July 24, 2010

A strange, impractical and economically blasphemous thought.

While I was lying on my back in the darkness of my village, looking towards the starlit sky in silence, a strange thought came in my mind.

What if...

Alok K. never goes back to his college again. He lives with his grandfather's younger brother in his village, and marries a local girl without a paisa of dowry.

During the daytime, he works hard in the fields, tills the land with the oxen, pearls of sweat dripping down his face and shoulders, which know that half of the field has been ploughed, and half still remains...

And during the night time, he makes love to his wife, passionately. The lust being the only flame in the starlit sky that's the sole witness to their intimate passion.

Would I be happy? Yes. Satisfied? Yes.

Then what's the problem?

Alok K.

Mobile Blogging: Marriage.

Dear blog. 

Sometimes you have got nothing better to do than to blog. And it is one of those times, it seems. 

Sitting in front of the mandap, watching one's friend's sister's marriage ceremony being carried on; and side by side, seeing one's friends succumbing to slumber slowly but surely is not a very enthusiastic sight; and this is what has propelled me to post a blog from my friend's e71. 

Today's discussion: Marriage.

My fetish for post modernism forces me to see marriage from a bird's eye view. And on first sight, it seems pretty strange. How two- three days of seemingly very religious acts on a local level, but holistically mindless extravagant activities form the base of the society, is sometimes beyond me. I mean, till one particular day, the society expects you not to even touch a girl publically, and then, all of a sudden, you are given the responsibility of a girl. You can touch her, and more than that, you have to protect her. From the world. You are expected to start a new life with that girl, who becomes woman with you; as you yourself become a man. 

Biologically, i cant help but accept the fact that the whole concept of marriage is nothing but bullshit. Human beings, like any other animal species, dont need any social acceptance to father a child. But then, there is more to humanity than the mere biological aspect of it. Society. Small word, but lethal if disobeyed. Society has the contract of making sure that each male gets a female, and even more surely, gets only one girl. Of course i am not entering into the concept of polygamy, which being an exception, proves the rule.

 Pre marital sex. Indian society? Banned. On a sliding gaze, it has got to be banned. Morality has to prevail in the society. But on a deeper thought, is that morality is the only issue which condemns pms? I mean, telling lies is highly immoral, but i know i am not wrong when i say that it is the society that teaches us how to lie. There has got to be something deeper than morality. Sense of sin? May be. But as a matter of fact, i dont think that the new generation believes in sins and absolutions. At least i dont, and i know that i am not alone. Nothing in this world is wrong or right. Its the timing that makes it so. Coming back to our topic, for example, you make love with a girl before marriage, and its condemned, and may have dire consequences in extreme cases. And you make love with a girl after marriage, and everybody is happy about it. Consummation is considered to be  the base of a marriage. 

Its not that i am against marriage or something. I know the importance of marriage in the indian society and dont wish to challenge the basic concept of it. But i just wonder. How marriage changes lives. Boy to man and girl to woman. Marriage seems to be a social acceptance of one's private life. Do we, as individual homo sapiens need this approval? No. As human being? 

Yes. Because of another concept called family. The concept that makes my heart beat and my pistons fire. Something metaphysical chooses our family, and we live throughout our lives to make our family members feel comfortable. We share bonds, share lives. May be it is this concept of family that makes this masquerade of lonely existence worth living. I know i am a lone soul in this world, and yet i choose not to live alone. Reason? love. selfish or selfless, love. The sense of affection with people. They may be your family members, and may be beyond. But undoubtedly, this lion's share of love's effect is too big to miss. The acceptance of having this fake sense of belonging is what makes us human. And i dont want apotheosis anyways. I pity who left their families for attaining a 'higher' truth. 

Two things. One, their ain't no higher truth. Two, even if there were one, we humans, with our corporal limitations cant attain it. So may be this whole life is meant to be a pompous charade,  however modest we might try to be.

Coming back to pms, it is condemned because it challenges the very essence of marriage. It designifies the basic perk of marriage. Kills the basic fun and spark of it. For enthusiastic people, it is just another activity. For conservative ones, a taboo. I am not against pre marital sex, but i kind of hate live in relationships. Having sex might be any other biological activity, but making love, certainly is not. 

And i know i dont need to justify myself, for these are my personal thoughts... 

Anyways, its dawn now, and i should better stop. My friends have woken up, and i seem to be creating a scene here, tapping on this qwerty cell since the last one hour. I should better leave, and enjoy the ceremony. God. to hell with marriage and pre marital sex. I wanna sleep right now.

Alok k.

22june,2010