Friday, January 25, 2008

Confessions by a weak soul…..

What color is your soul? Sorry, perhaps I am not the appropriate person to be asked such questions…. Why? Simply because…… oops! I miss a soul!!! I don’t have any or might be, it is too fragile, glass like transparent – easy for anyone to see through and delicate enough for a harsh truth to smash into pieces. There are possibilities that my soul is black. A shade which is no color, just neutral. It makes us realize how light a color is before the charcoal and graphite color….. A color that absorbs all wavelengths but reflects none. There have been several influential books that I have read, countless inspirational thoughts that have traveled through my neurons and have been absorbed into the brain but, have rarely surfaced my persona. Why I could never show signs of human enthusiasm and zeal, is a big question mark. And, what havoc it can call upon when cowardice meets a series of sheer bad luck? …Nothing more than a fateful Friday as today.

Act I: Scene 1: Hostel room: The day begins with a self realization that a trifle assignment has been sidelined for about a week and today is the date of submission. It being a trivial problem, major challenge says that I have to take a bath in this chilling winter morning and still manage to complete my task. Now, I poke one finger out, weigh the cold environment and force myself to make it to the switch board. The net connection wire has turned loose and doesn’t fit into the port and I have to hold it tight. As soon as I enter the password, my alarm clock screams and the display message on monitor reads, “ Its 6 AM.You cant log-in. Its not your time-slot”…..quite a mesmerizing day.. isn’t it?

Act II : Scene 1: College library- Our machinery classes are taking place (so to say….) with no faculty around. Its like a herd of cattle in a paddy field. The library sickness is taking its toll on me and I feel like throwing up. I award myself with a break, gift a cup of coffee to my hands ….aahaa...what a relief… however, the next moment, I am found throwing a cup full of coffee in the dustbin and rushing upstairs. Faculty is already there with a cunning smile on her face which gradually changes into serenity as she finds her sadistic pleasure in marking me absent for the session.

Act II: Scene 2: Nescafe counter- “Bhaiya, jaldi se ek frappe de do…. Madam, nahi hai”; “o.k. to ek iced tea de do…. Madam, khatm ho gaya”…..grreeeaaattttt….. about five minutes before, I succeeded to miss the last samosa in the canteen and the trend still continues….

Act III: Scene 1: Mobile recharge shop: I am very particular about my mobile recharges. I always get a recharge of Rs 70 which gives me a talktime of Rs 60. Its so economical. But, I cant understand what made that recharge waala guy infer that I am so fool as to get a Rs 60 recharge done which leaves me with a talktime of Rs 38 only. I want to shout… I want to scold but what difference will it make to him. He cant reverse the whole process.

Act III: Scene 2: Aggarwal’s sweets: This is my favourite eat-out. The South Indian dishes served here..specially, vadaa sambhar, dosa that too with the coconut chutney…are just yummy...(unless you eat them J). The waiter comes to take the order. I am just on the verge of losing patience. I ask him to bring vada sambhar but to my utter disappointment, they are running short of it. Now, when I am losing it completely, I dare to look into the waiter’s eyes. He is in his mid forties and doesn’t look like a waiter. At this moment, I can see my father serving in his place. I don’t like this. I can’t take it more. I cant allow him to clean my table and carry my dishes. I won’t let him do that. But, what will the other people say? Am I trying to show my respect or simply trying to impress the guy on the next table. Who am I to do so? Why should I do it? ….. “madam, here is your bill.” The dishes are gone. The table is clean. I have lost my opportunity. Thanks to my weak soul.

Epilogue: Friends, I have read a book “The Kite Runner” by Khalid Houseini. It’s about a boy Aamir who is born in a rich family and is blessed with a brave father. His heart yearns to be with his father but he can feel the chasm between him and father. His only friend is Hassan, his servant who loves Aamir more than he loves anything. But, Aamir, a boy of a weak character can’t gather courage to save Hassan from being a victim of sexual assault by three guys. It’s a curse to be born with a weak soul and even if it is so…. One must never forget….

There is one thing one has to have: either a soul that is cheerful by nature, or a soul made cheerful by work, love, art, and knowledge.

Curtain down

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

And people say i am self obsessed...


"You know what, you are pretty much self-obsessed. You think that other people are very much interested in your life, and hence you reflect ur life's happenings in your status messages of gtalk and stuff like that.
And you don't spare even trivial things, like, today my fan is not working etc.
We mock you and your self obsession in our class. Its fun to do that. No Complaints..."

and he hung up. My friend's friend. Whom i have not even seen. And this allegation on me was not the first one. I have had a history of me being charged for being very much self obsessed, self centered, self conscious,self -selfed and stuff like that. About an year ago, one of my friends commented that i always kept explaining about my actions and my life, and anyone who remains in contact wid me for even a day, can know about me entirely...Recently one of my seniors said that she could easily know what's happening in my life by just reading my status messages of
gtalk. What more, only last week, i got a scrap on orkut, which read,
"you are very much boasting, try to be in reality."
and the writer was some 'red rose' (obviously a fake profile, or someone who doesn't wish to disclose his\her name).

And all this made me think bout the roots of all this. Are these complaints, criticisms or compliments?
Depends. From person to person. OK, let us deal this issue scientifically.

First question. What makes people think that i am "self obsessed" ?

Answer: While other ppl's status messages, internet profiles etc constitute of regular phrases like 'dnd' or 'life sucks' or 'happy new year' or other non self involving words, mine is a snapshot of my current mindframe. While other ppl's net albums have got scenic views, film star wallpapers and low resolution - pics, mine consists of many picasa rendered, high resolution pics, flaunting me and the world around me. And that makes people think that i am trying to show my pics to all and i like to tell everyone about my life.

Second Question :What irritates people to such an extent that they use scraps and calls and conversations to tell me that i AM self obsessed?

Answer: OK,lemme tell you one thing first, not many people tell me these kinds of things,but yes, 2-3 do.As for the answer to this question, well, even i don't know the reason.May be the presence of one black sheep in the herd of white sheeps on gtalk and orkut makes them feel to dosomething about it,the least being,to tell the sheep that 'thou art black'.

NOW THE BIG QUESTION: why do i keep such weird status messages and self centered pics in my profiles??? Why do i wish to tell ppl what is going in my life, who give a damn to even my existance???

AND THE BIG ANSWER:Folks, don't misinterpret me.I don't wish to throw my life on you. Some REASONS for my special gtalk messages are:

1.I am a regular diary entery making person, and even you know that a diary entry revolves round the person who writes it.And needless to say,my status messages and profiles are pretty much influenced by my diary entries.

2.I like to personalize things. As i spend too much time on internet surfing, so it makes me feel happy to see if my profile and status messages reflect my current thoughts.Its like standing in front of a mirror.

3.I have got nothing to hide from anyone, and i don't care if anone enters my personal life. In fact, i enjoy the invasion...

4.This is a normal development of the pshychic self centered kid, who had been surrounded by many friends in his child life, who used to be pretty much involved in his life and its developments...

5.I like to go through other people's profile and status messages on internet, and guess whats going on in their lives, so, maybe,on a sub conscious level, i leave clues to my life for the people who think like me. But yes, this is highly non intensional.

6.I hate regular machine answer type profiles and messages.I like them living and colourful, full of individualism.

7.And last but not the least, ppl, i do have a circle of some old friends, some fans and some admirers, who closely follow me and want to hear from me about my life, though not directly from the horse's mouth.


Eh, yet another long post...as if i care...

So, my dear friends, if you still feel that i am very self lovig, self obsessed, narcissist and egoistic kinda person, do meet me someday and have a hearty chat with a cup of coffee.I think u'll discover a different me, one who loves to listen to others, and talks very very less about himself.

And if this post strengthened ur view that i am self all... ha, can't help you,buddy.


But one thing is for sure, hum nahi sudhrenge... as the ever cherished

song of Bon Jovi goes...

My life is like an open highway,
as frankie said i did it my way,
I just wanna live when i'm alive.
Its MY LIFE.

Friday, January 4, 2008

अगले जनम मोहे बिटिया न कीजो

This is very close to my heart. Not that it is my story or is inspired by any movie but its d result of empathy and compassion that I feel for the topic.....





क्या अब तुमसे भी कुछ बोलूँ मैं ?

मुँह पर बंधी पट्टियां खोलूं मैं ?

जन्म लेते ही होंठ सिल दिए गए मेरे ,

किताबों का बोझ भी न उठाने दिया ।

पैरों में बंधी पायल ने घर के पार न होने दिया।

सोलहवें जन्मदिन पर साइकिल मांगी तो ,

बर्तनों का सेट थमा दिया।


जब आंखों ने झुकना सीख लिया और,

हाथों ने सीख ली मजदूरी,

बिठा दी गयी मैं पाउडर पोत बीच बाज़ार में।

कुछ न देखा मैंने, सिर्फ सुना....

हंसी, ठहाके और सवालों के बौछार ।

पिता फूले न समाते : पढ़ा लिखा सरकारी नौकर

और क्या चाहिए?


आंखों पे बेबसी कि पट्टियों ने सुनाई

हर अबला कि दास्तान,

बोली में दहेज़ के गिरते उठते दाम ।

कहाँ मैं गुड्डे गुडियों कि नज़र उतारती थी,

और आज खेल खेल में ब्याह दी गयी।

दीवार पर टंगी किसी पुरानी तस्वीर कि तरह,

उतार दी गयी ।


डोली चढ़ जिस सपनों के महल उतरी,

वह सपनों के टूटने पर ढह गया।

चुभते टुकडों कि चोट से बोझिल कदम

उठा न पायी मैं,

देहरी उस कैद की लाँघ न पायी मैं।

सर्वस्व लुटा कर भी सुख न पाया मैंने,

घर अपना लोग पराये, यही पाया मैंने।


अपने धाम की खोज में आज तुम तक आई हूँ,

भेंट के लिए और कुछ नहीं, प्राण संग लायी हूँ।

न मैं सरस्वती, न चंडिका, न लक्ष्मी का अवतार

मैं हूँ केवल एक स्त्री जिसने किया संसार का विस्तार।

हर नारी पर अब इतनी कृपा कर दीजो
अगले जनम मोहे बिटिया न कीजो।




Thursday, January 3, 2008

Headache of my headless soul.

I am frustrated right now. Dunno why. After such a busy day full of activities, friends and fun, i am frustrated... yet another frustration.....

And a blog is born.

Emotional fools... this is my genre... Whom do you call an emotional fool? A Crying moron ?

Kind of. Slight modification is needed. A person who allows other people to make him a moron, by letting them play with his emotions.

Why do i let myself get so much influenced by others' feelings about me? And many times, I first think what the person would be thinking about me, and then i become happy or sad (hehe, mostly sad) by thinking about the thoughts that are supposed to be thought by the person beside me, but actually thought by myself, while the 'so-thought' thinker might not be thinking at all about me, leave alone the correctness of it ....

Ironical? Yes, that is a big characteristics of an emotional fool. To ride on mood swings due to his own thoughts, thought on behalf of others...

My head is aching a lot. And it couldn't produce a more boring post... who knows....
Waise why am i frustrated? Because for me, every thing has become so short lived....happiness...excitement...joy... sorrow... and even frustration...

I am going to sleep. May be there I'll find peace. But hell, that would be short lived, too.
Am I striving for eternal peace? Naaaa...... i am not interested in worthless spiritual preachings on moksha and nirvana and all... those are for those people who are fed up with life... I am not.

Its getting worse. the headache, i mean. I was very happy today. Very jolly. And then i saw someone. Someone Special. And my heart began to beat faster. And i thought what that person would be thinking about me... and then i found something hurting my heart... and then i came back to my room... and then i listened to some music...and then i felt headache slowly creeping in my soul. And then i felt to write.

But it didn't help. The headache has started to meta morph into a soul ache.
I fear myself. I fear solitude. Me.... one who used to sit beside a table and study all alone for more than 12 hours a day during my jee prep days...I can't sit alone for more than 2 minutes. Have become a suicidal extrovert. Always need someone to console myself about my actions...always need someone to explain myself, to justify myself. Am I lookin for a partner? Have got many friends. And they do help. But not to a large extent.
I want that special person not to think bad about me. No, I want myself not to think that that special person thinks bad about me. But i can't control my own thoughts. They seem to overpower me. And i need someone to help me out... of all this headache...this soulache...

I am going to play my guitar. Maybe that will help me. Maybe that will force my brain not to think.

Wait. What am i writing? All this is bullshit. I am confused about my own thoughts, and i should better stop writing now. Someone make me feel happy, someone talk to me. Someone let me reassure myself that I am a normal person.

Yet another characteristics of an emotional fool.He needs other people to reassure himself... like me...
frustration.... headache... soulache... emotional fools...short lived emotions...suicidal extrovert...moksha... nirvana... spiritual bullshit... what an incongruent post!!!

The headache of my headless soul continues...


Alec.